The Marriage Trap

Now that we have two states that have sanctioned same sex marriages and one that has been in effect for four years in Massachusetts, what do we know about how gays are responding to marriage? While it is still early in the process, I think there are some trends that we can see beginning to take shape. Before I continue, in the interest of disclosure I have to admit that while I personally for religious reasons do not condone the practice, I would not begrudge anyone the opportunity to partake of wedded bliss. Why should we heterosexuals be the only ones to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune?

What many married gays are learning is a lesson any married heterosexual could have told them from the beginning; that marriage is hard work. It is not for the faint of heart or to be entered into lightly. After Massachusetts enacted the law to allow same sex marriage I was immediately curious if gays would fair any better than heterosexuals at marriage. With about 50% of all heterosexual marriages ending in divorce, I thought it wouldn’t take a lot to do better than we have managed to do. While this may come as a shock to many wing-nuts after the initial wave of marriages the numbers have trended downward ever since, for many gays marriage is not the answer. Understandably when you have been treated as an outcast and your relationship seen as rebellious and vilified it is difficult to all of a sudden become mainstream and a lot of those that did have found the terrain treacherous.

For some, the marriage learning curve is steep.

“It’s been a mixed bag,” said Jacob Venter, a 44-year-old child psychiatrist who married Billy Boney, a 36-year-old hairdresser, a month after it became legal to do so. They have disagreements over money, the in-laws and whether to adopt children or have their own.

“Nothing turns out the way you imagine,” Mr. Venter said. “There are no role models for gay marriage.” [1]

One thing is for sure that whether you are heterosexual or gay, marriage requires a lot of work and a commitment on both sides. As a society we no longer value commitment as we once did. We have become accustomed to disposability in not only our food, toys, gadgets, but also in our relationships. As we have become a more mobile society we have lost connections to people, places, and things. As the data begins to be assembled I believe that gays will prove to be no different than the rest of us in many of those regards. I believe that gays will marry and divorce at roughly the same rights as heterosexuals. Marriage is a reflection of us as a society and reflects our attitudes toward ourselves and one another. It reflects those things we value and those things that we easily discard. The problem is that in a marriage those things being discarded like so much of yesterdays garbage are people.

Too often today people are getting married for the wrong reasons. The biggest threat to heterosexual marriage today is not same sex marriage but divorce. We as a society must do more to strengthen the bonds of marriage for all of us through support and encouragement. I know in my community participation in marriage is at an all-time low and the prospects appear to be getting worse. I agree with my wing-nut counterparts that marriage is under attack, but it is not from the gays. It is under attack from a society that values the individual more than the group. A society that promotes selfishness over sacrifice and ego over humility. For all of us, a marriage based on these things will not last.

It has been written that gays demonstrate a lack of commitment to relationships and that many are sexually active with multiple partners thus making marriage a tenuous proposition at best. I am not completely sold on this analysis and I think as marriage becomes more accepted in the gay community the numbers will suggest that gays are for the most part just as monogamous as the rest of us. The thing that I have taken away from the data that I have seen is that we all suffer from the same pitfalls and pressures of marriage. The gay experience will prove to be no more successful or will fail no more than any others in marriage. Shockingly marriage works about the same for all of us. We all suffer the same pressures, disappointments, and joys of marriage regardless of our sexual preferences. I guess that is why we are all human.

“Lesbian and gay couples get divorced for the same reasons that heterosexual couples do,” Ms. Kauffman said. “Honestly the only thing that is different is that some people rushed to get married without thinking it through just because they could. It was an incredibly heady historical moment, and some people probably made the decision hastily.”

“I knew there was an issue with us prior to the marriage,” Mr. Bettencourt said, “but we thought maybe this is the thing that will help us stay together. Stupid, obviously. It was almost like I needed the marriage in order to consummate the relationship in order to break it up.”[2]

Sound familiar? I thought getting married would fix what was broken in our relationship is a common refrain from heterosexuals as well. I guess that doesn’t work for anybody; gay or straight. Whether you are gay or straight, marriage is nothing to take lightly and with all the euphoria floating around with each new milestone it is easy to get caught up in the moment. Welcome to marriage. Abandon all hope those who enter here…

[1] http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/15/us/15marriage.html?hp
[2] http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/15/us/15marriage.html?hp

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Obama’s Gay Problem

It is all over the blogosphere. All of the major blogs are discussing the decision of Barack Obama to tour with the reformed homosexual gospel singer Donnie McClurkin. The thing that troubles me about the debate currently surrounding this issue is the same thing that troubles me about the Democrats and the progressive movement as a whole. The problem with both is that they expect a candidate to be all things to all people and any candidate that doesn’t believe exactly as they believe is a sell-out. I’m sorry, but the majority of Americans do not support homosexuality. The problem is that everyone in the car wants their issue to be the driving issue, as if their issue is the only one of any consequence. Barack Obama is not anti-gay, but he is not pro-gay either. Why does one have to be one or the other?

We have come a long way in our acceptance and treatment of gays and lesbians in this country. Is it perfect? No, but a lot of progress has been made. Think of the progress made by the gay and lesbian agenda compared to civil rights or immigration, it has been fairly quick. I hear myself saying these words and it sounds so weird, I feel like one of those people telling blacks how much progress they have made. The truth is however, there is a lot of resistance to complete acceptance of the homosexual lifestyle. It may not be fair, but it’s the way it is. Many would rather have a candidate that could help to promote unity and benefit many Americans on other issues lose and remain loyal, than win and make a difference. This type of logic to me is asinine. NEWSFLASH – You can’t govern, if you don’t win!

The sad thing about the debate is that no one believes that Senator Obama is a homophobe or does not support gay rights; no one believes that he would try to push a Constitutional amendment against gays. So why is he getting all this heat? Because he is willing to stand up and not pander to the minority in opposition to the majority. These people have a campaign to run and hopefully win. During campaigns strategic decisions are made, decisions like which issues to emphasize and which ones to downplay. Would any of the people bashing Barack believe that Mitt or Giuliani would make a better candidate?

Senator Obama is making a concerted effort to enlist the support of the Black faith community. If you don’t like the views of the Black Church bash them not the candidate trying to reach out to them. Is the Senator flip-flopping like his Republican counterparts on issues of importance to gays and lesbians? I have not heard the Senator back away from any of his stated positions concerning this group. The Black Church has been traditionally a rallying point in the community and to enlist their support is a smart campaign decision. Black churchgoers tend to vote more than other blacks and they tend to be more united in their voting patterns. Ministers in the Black Church hold a lot of influence over their parishioners and so I don’t see what the outrage is over Senator Obama making an outreach to them.

It is precisely this type of criticism that makes the rest of America view Democrats and their candidates as “godless” and without faith. If any candidate tries to court the religious vote they are demonized by the gay and lesbian communities and their surrogates in the progressive community. The time has come for Democrats to stop running from their faith and for those who do not share their faith to back off and allow them their freedom to believe. No one is saying that everyone has to believe the same thing, but by the same token allow those who do believe differently the freedom to express it. The problem with being a democratic candidate is that you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Everyone expects you to cater to their particular viewpoint and if you are not 100% in agreement then you are a “sell-out”. Forget the fact that you won’t win, obviously that’s not important.

I have friends that are ex-convicts, drug addicts and alcoholics, but when I go to get a job I don’t emphasize those ties, it’s not that I am “dissin them” it’s just more prudent not to. The Bible says when I am around people that are vegetarians I don’t serve them meat, not because I agree with them but because I am not to be a stumbling block for my brother. We are to bear the weaknesses of our brothers, not condemn them for it. Is it wrong to reach out to those who may not be as enlightened as I am? If so how then am I to affect change?

The Senator is trying to show that politics or debate does not have to be an either/or proposition or that everything has to be done in a confrontational manner. But again in sticking to politics as usual, he is condemned for it. It appears that the wing-nuts are not the only ones who are stuck in the politics of the past; there are a lot of “so-called” progressives stuck in the same rut. Senator Obama does not have a gay problem, the gays and lesbians have an Obama problem.

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