The Copperfield Dollar

What I have found interesting about the financial crisis of 2007-2010 as it is being referred to is that prior to the crisis there was a lot of money that was being invested in derivatives and other risky investments and yet after the crisis none of that money was accounted for. My question is where did that money go? I understand that some of the money was for loans that were defaulted on so there was no recovery there and there was the money that was built into the value of overvalued assets that will also never be recovered. However there was real money in the system that has never been accounted for. According to my crack research staff there was billions in profits made from selling these derivatives and other investment vehicles by the large trading companies. Those are the same trading companies that we had to bail-out. So again my question is where did that money go? What about all the billions the hedge funds made by betting short on the market?

It has taken me awhile but I have figured out what happened to all of that money. You see it wasn’t regular currency like we are use to using. No it was a special currency used only for these types of special transactions. You see these transactions were done using “Copperfield dollars”. For those who don’t know David Copperfield is a famous magician or illusionist who is famous for among other things making the Statue of Liberty disappear on television. So as you can imagine anyone who can make the Status of Liberty disappear would have no trouble making a few hundred billion dollars disappear. These Copperfield dollars on the surface appear to resemble ordinary currency however they have one unique characteristic that other currency do not have. These Copperfield dollars once placed in certain banks vaults disappear into thin air without a trace. You put them in the vault in 2006 and you go back in 2007 and they are gone. Poof like a puff of smoke, gone.

Now let’s be clear not every bank used these Copperfield dollars. They seemed to only have been circulated at the largest banks, investment houses, and hedge funds. So are we to believe that during this gambling frenzy that there were not profits being made. That would be like the casinos in Vegas winning all the bets but at the end of the night they have no money to show for the day’s receipts and yet there were no payouts either. So no one won any bets, but the house has no money either. How is that possible? Oh yeah I forgot they were using those pesky Copperfield dollars. Every time you think you see one you really don’t, it was an illusion.

I have to admit I have an economist friend who I think is a pretty smart guy and he has tried to explain to me what happened and the more he explains the less I understand. Finally I walk away just shaking my head with a headache. One thing he did tell me though that I thought was interesting and I believe it is something most people don’t know. Based on the terms of the bail-out loans ( yeah they were loans or stock options) it is estimated that in the final calculations it will have cost the American public around 38 billion is the figure I think he used (it may have been 48) but anyway that worked out to be about 280 dollars for each household in America to save the financial system. Now of course these were not Copperfield dollars because they came out of mine and your pockets and we are not allowed to use these special Copperfield dollars.

My question is this, why aren’t the armed tea-partiers at the offices of Goldman Sachs, Citi, and the others who used those Copperfield dollars to make 10% of our economy disappear? Who are the real terrorists here? Even the 9/11 terrorists did not shrink the economy by 10%. We started two wars behind that attack, but you’re telling me some folks can get away with stealing 10% of our economy and nothing happens? That 10% by the way is conservative because it only includes what we had to replace 700 billion not what actually disappeared in Copperfield dollars. We will never know the extent of that robbery I’m afraid. I understand people being angry, but what I don’t understand is this misplaced anger. Was it the overreach of the government that caused our economy to crash? No on the contrary it was the fact that government was not upholding its responsibilities to watch out for its citizens or is that a function of government? According to these folks it is everybody for themselves. I think these folks have been watching too many John Wayne movies because they surely don’t want that scenario.

Well, I have decided because the banks and others were so successful using those Copperfield dollars that I am going to replace my currency with them and I am going to paying all of my bills with them. Let’s see how the banks like it when they go to cash my checks and the money that was there yesterday is gone today. Poof!

“If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus” - Jack Handy